so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
