Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
