Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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