Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
