I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
