I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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