you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
