its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
