come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
