I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
