Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
