The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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