i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
