Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
