i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
