On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
barbara walters just said penis...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
