Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
