my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
