I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i think my tv is drunk
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
