when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
