took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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