when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
