I cannot find my penis.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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