Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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