Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
