Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
