The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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