no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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