you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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