And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
