our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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