Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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