I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
