I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
