Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
