Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
