we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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