Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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