hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
