if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
