I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
do herpes really smell.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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