So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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