every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
