Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
