i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I will pee on everything he values.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
