Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
