I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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