I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Less talking, more tequila
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
