Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
