So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
