i just wanna soil my oats bro
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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