I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We left an ass print on the piano.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize