so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
