For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
