I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
