I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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