I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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