Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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