My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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