my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
