he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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